Infinite-delity - A (Mercifully) Short Story

The precise turn of events that had compelled the inter-dimensional beings to install a personalized portal into the matrix of The infinite Universe at the back of Lou’s upstairs closet is a tale for another time.  It was, however, quite the amazing thank you gift.  

Lou’s part in their near calamity had largely been happenstance but timely.  Once the crisis had been averted and the shock of it all cooled a tad, attempts at communication were the order of the day.  At first, common ground and shared understanding had been a challenge.  Once the rudiments had been established, and after Lou’s inquiries about tipping cows had been answered, they (the aliens) had been gobsmacked to learn of the existence of creatures, such as Lou, who lived along one pathway of linear time.  Beings that were expected to manage, nurture and adhere to stable relationships with others of their kind.   Linear time, causality, and stable commitments were unfamiliar concepts to them which explains a lot about the predicament that had required Lou’s timely intervention in the first place - but I digress.  Being expected to weather sorrows or adversity seemed even more ridiculous.  Simply jumping to another more accommodating reality made much more sense.  Consequently, sadness, envy, restlessness, and related concepts were without precedence or meaning. (It should also be noted that the aliens flatly denied any knowledge (and frankly were a little perturbed) of the reported fondness that aliens had for anal probes. Lou was inclined to believe them.)

But as I said, they (the said beings) were immensely grateful for his help and insisted on giving him some type of reward.  Lou expected a small token made from exotic materials or an alien fruit basket but they had something more substantial in mind.  The gift of an inter-dimensional portal would afford Lou an existence more akin to what they experienced.  

Great care had been taken to explain how he could use the portal to gain access to any alternative timeline or location he desired.  Certain safety protocols were in place of course so he could not travel to locales with methane atmospheres or the crushing pressures at the liquid metallic surface of a gas giant but those weren’t places he fancied anyway.

The portal was keyed only to him, so his wife, kids or nosy cat couldn’t inadvertently trigger it and land in the late Jurassic or worse.  Even better, his entry and exit times were precisely the same in this universe so even if someone were standing next to him when he transferred to another reality, they would have been unaware of it no matter how many years he’d spent screwing around.  To top it off, while he would retain the memories of his alternate adventures, his physical age in this universe was unaffected.  Sweet gift indeed!

The beings took their leave but left Lou a means to reach them should he require any assistance in the future.  (It simply being the the address of an alternative reality where the aliens had an established base on earth within easy driving distance.)

He took a few practice jumps to learn the lay of the land.  Then he was ready for something more substantial.  Something he’d been spending far too much time thinking about to maintain healthy relationships in his current reality.

And so in the 28th year of his marriage he came to consider sowing his wild oats into the the infinite universe.  It was perfect.  His wife and kids (who he really did adore more than his own life) would never know what, or whom, he did in alternate realities.  He couldn’t get caught.   Pretty much the ultimate dream of an unfortunate percentage of married men.

Based on his experiences in this reality, he already has his sights on one woman in particular.  

It wasn’t physical.  Well, it wasn’t totally physical.  He really enjoyed this woman’s company and respected her as a person and co-worker.  She was smart, accomplished, funny, kind, and a loyal friend with excellent insights.  And single.  They worked well together and over time came to know each other quite well.  He felt quite comfortable around her.   Well yeah he wanted to sleep with her too, but those feelings had come later.

He was quite sure she had similar feelings toward him.  Yes, yes, a lot of men think every woman is smitten by their charms but Lou wasn’t one of those.   Lou was pretty clueless when it came to the subtle social signs of attraction and flirting but he understood physiology.  Dilated pupils - a sure giveaway.  And hers were always the size of a quarter when she talked to him.  She could have seen better than a cat at night with those babies. Dilated pupils - about as subtle a sign of interest as a bright red baboon’s butt.

The level of intimacy and shared moments was more than was healthy but they hadn’t crossed that physical Rubicon quite yet.

So he chose a closely aligned timeline where he never met his wife but took essentially the same career path as his prime line which would put him in proximity to his quarry without any ‘baggage’.  He stepped through the portal, took one breath of air in that alternate reality - and froze. One reality trumped all the others.  To never share the lifetime of adventures and challenges he and his wife had shared?  To willfully chose an existence where his children had never been born?  No f’n way!   What’s more, it surprisingly pained him to his core to know that there even were realities where HIS family didn’t exist. He felt like a complete shit for ever considering it.

Remembering an old saw he’d once heard - Morality is what you do when no one is watching, he understood.  This sucked!  The aliens had inadvertently provided him with the ultimate test of fidelity. Infinite ‘fidelities’ were literally his for the taking.  He’d just have to be an inter-dimensional dick to enjoy it. Turns out betrayal is one of the few truly pan-dimensional phenomena. Only one person needed to be aware of its existence for it to count.   It hadn’t really been about not getting caught that had stood in his way in his prime line.  It was what he would lose if he did.  And a conscience - that can be pretty inconvenient in many circumstances especially when you own a pan-dimensional portal.

Could you love two people at the same time?  Yes.  Could you do well by either of them while you did - not in this or any other dimension.  A little bit of restlessness could be healthy if for no other reason than reminding you of what had brought you together.

He briefly (well, not that briefly) considered visiting an alternate reality where throuples were the norm, but thought it was cheating (the irony wasn’t missed).  He would need to distance himself from this lovely lady in his prime dimension a bit. It was more respectful to her as well.

Just one more task to be done.  And so he skipped to that other dimension and drove to the alien base which oddly was situated in an abandoned Applebee’s.  They accommodated his request chalking it up to the peculiarities and mysteries of  uni-dimensional lifeforms.

After one last trip where he really did leave that burning bag of dog shit on his asshole neighbor’s porch on Halloween, he came home.  His home.  His shared timeline. His best of all possible worlds.  The beings did as he asked.  The portal was closed and he was once again blissfully unaware of alternative realities.  Happily ensconced in his one and only timeline.  The one he would never risk or betray.  And he finally got around to introducing a very good friend to this really neat woman from work.  They hit it off right away.

Of course the beings, benign and grateful entities that they were (are) made a couple of tiny adjustments to his prime timeline -  His daughter never got involved with that guy who happily availed himself of alternate realities without access to a portal, and about 13 years out in Lou’s future that bothersome colon polyp never materialized…